


the almost divine comedy

by cottontale



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Humor and Fluff, M/M, Modern Fantasy, One Shot, he did it for the vine and dragon egg but got a boyfriend instead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-06
Updated: 2014-08-06
Packaged: 2018-02-12 00:33:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2088942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cottontale/pseuds/cottontale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summon a demon for the vine, Jean said. It'll be fun, he said. </p>
<p>Or the one where Eren summons a demon with a sweet-tooth and somehow ends up dating him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the almost divine comedy

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by this [post](http://foxicology.tumblr.com/post/93755226044/officialhamlet-i-want-realistic-modern-fantasy).
> 
> alternatively titled 'do it for the diVINE'. Thank you Maddie for your genius.

He had the lamb’s blood, the spinal fluid of a newt, and chocolate chip cookie in his summoning circle, the runes outlined in salt (a precaution if the demon didn't like chocolate chip and was more of a raisin fan and decided to kill him for it). Finally, he began lighting the thirteen candles outlining the room, which would gather the spiritual energy because for some reason candles were cool like that. Yeah, he didn't understand it either.

Equipped with more salt in his pocket, an iPhone, and more cookies because you could never be too cautious, Eren stood in front of the circle, unfolding himself from the last candle. They were white, the most powerful. 

"This better fucking work." Eren mumbled as he pulled out his phone, opening his camera and sliding it to 'video'. "Still not sure if he was joking about the newt spinal fluid," he mused as he looked through the screen to his circle. "Whatever, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I still get the fifty bucks and dragon egg."

Mostly, he was doing it for the Vine. The dragon egg would be cool too, even though his mom said no the first twenty times. Oh well, do first and beg for forgiveness later. 

From memory, Eren began to recite the Latin incantation, his photographic memory coming in handy. He nearly messed up, because fuck neuter and 4th declension, but as the candles flickered and the room suddenly smelt of sulfur, he knew he had gotten it right. 

A moment later, his phone dimmed and blinked out. 

"Shit, no," he hissed and frantically tried to get the screen back up, but then the Apple icon popped up, deciding to be a dick and freeze. "Are you fucking serious?" 

"My thoughts exactly." 

The phone didn't matter now, as it was on the ground, breaking the salt barrier. 

Eren looked to the newly summoned demon and paled considerably when the creature simpered. 

"Oops," the demon snickered. Eren blinked and suddenly, a hand was on his throat, squeezing the life out of him. "Amateur." 

" _Apage_!" Eren wheezed and the demon snatched its hand away, burned and hissing. 

"Of course the human knows Latin," it looked at the red skin on its hand. "Asshole, I wasn't going to kill you. I like chocolate chip, you're the only one who's gotten that part right. Though, the spinal fluid—Is that newt?—is unnecessary." 

Regaining his equilibrium, Eren straightened and glared. 

"Then why'd you try and choke me," he coughed between words. 

"Because it's fun to scare the newbies, put you in your place, you know. And I was just sitting down for tea," the demon carefully grabbed the cookie from the circle, brushing it off. It shrugged. "Eh, five second rule." 

Remembering his phone, Eren picked it up and whispered a quiet prayer for it to not be broken. The screen was cracked, but that had already been there. 

"Gross, don't pray near me." The demon looked disgusted. 

"Sorry," Eren pocketed the phone, forgetting his original purpose for summoning a demon. "So... what's your name?" 

Finishing the cookie, the demon gave him another annoyed look. 

"You summoned me without knowing who I am? I really should kill you. You're lucky the cookie was so good." It held out its hand. "More and I may consider telling you." 

Eren heaved a put-upon sigh, but pulled out a cookie anyway. The demon grabbed it and quickly devoured it. 

"I'm Eren," he supplied, taking a measured step away from the circle and the blown out candles. 

"Levi," the demon said, sounding bored and rather pathetic now that his treat was gone. "Got anymore?" 

"In the kitchen." Eren said, pointing over his shoulder. He really wanted out of the basement. The sulfur was burning his eyebrows. 

Levi grabbed him by the skin of his neck and the next thing he knew, they were standing in the kitchen. Or rather, Levi was standing. Eren was on the floor, head spinning. 

"Whoops." Levi didn't sound too sorry. "Shadow travel can be a bitch for humans." 

"Thanks for the warning  _after_ you do it." 

"Don't mention it." Levi found the cookies easily from the pantry and settled on the breakfast bar, feet dangling from the stool. "You make these?" 

Grabbing the edge of the counter for support, Eren shook his head. 

"Mom made 'em." 

At the demon's raised brow, Eren bristled and crossed his slightly trembling arms. 

"Living at home is a choice. I can move out whenever I want." 

"I wasn't judging you." The unsaid 'too much' was implied. "I didn't move out until I was two hundred." 

Curiosity trumping self-preservation, Eren leaned forward. 

"How old are you?" 

"Rude." Levi bit into a cookie. "Get me a napkin." 

"Please get me a napkin?" 

"Please spare my life, you mean?" 

"Right, napkin. Got it." Eren quickly said, shooting to the table to grab a few. "But seriously, how old are you?" 

Levi sighed, taking the napkins. "Three thousand and twenty-four give or take a few decades. I lost count a while ago and just made something up." 

"T-Three thousand..." Eren felt weak at the knees. "Cool. I'm twenty-six."

"Didn't ask." Levi muttered into the napkin before taking another cookie. Eren quickly took away the rest of the container. 

"Mom would kill me if they were all gone," he said by way of explanation when Levi's mouth tilted into a deep frown.

He put the cookies away and it took a hard bonk on the head on the door to remember why he summoned a demon in the first place. 

"Oh right." The phone lit up, working now that he didn't need it. "Do you mind if I take video of you?" 

"What?" Levi finished his final cookie, giving it a long gaze of undying affection before snapping his jaws shut. Eren watched his fangs catch on a lip. 

"Well, a Vine, really." Eren opened the application and showed it to Levi, who blinked and leaned to look over his shoulder to the pantry. Eren blocked his line of sight. "It's a series of short videos put together. I've got a few thousand followers."

"Followers?" Levi repeated. "What, are you a religion? Is that what they're calling it these days?" 

Eren snorted, nearly dropping his phone again. 

"No. It's hard to explain. So, can I?" 

"Video me?" 

"Yeah, a video is—"

"I know what a video is, human." Levi gazed at him blankly, tossing his head, mostly likely to reposition his hair. And probably because he looked super cool doing it. "Why not? Take your 'Vines'."

"Vine." Eren corrected and lifted the screen. "Jean's going to shit his dragon-hide pants." 

-

Jean only told him to step up his game as he took a selfie with three topless mermaids. 

Eren was totally not jealous. 

(He was). 

-

"How can one top naked mermaid selfies?" Eren paced the kitchen, not paying attention to Levi, who had come back every other day for more cookies. "And the fucker didn't give me my dragon egg."

"You want one?" Levi grabbed his own napkin this time. "Don't waste your time, they're cool little fuckers until they get the hiccups and burn down your favorite castle. Get a unicorn, they're nice." 

Eren paused, turning to the demon. 

"A unicorn? They exist?" 

"Of course they exist, haven't you ever seen 'The Last Unicorn'?" Eren shook his head. "Simpleton. It's a classic, they actually got it all right." 

-

One movie and two videos of Eren feeding a unicorn a golden nugget later, and Jean was not happy. 

In return, he sent him a Vine of phoenix bursting in flame. 

"How the fuck did he get a video of that!" Eren yelled at his phone while Levi merely hummed in appreciation. "There's only like three hundred left and the zoo is closed for the year." 

"I know what you can do." Levi said, evil grin coming back. Eren felt vaguely sorry for Jean. 

-

"I fucking tried to drown myself  _in the sink._ " Jean growled through the phone, while Eren wheezed next to Levi on his couch. 

"Oh my god, this is gold, Levi listen to this." He put the call on speaker while Jean cursed up a storm. 

" _Sirens_ , Eren, really? I could have fucking died you dickbag." 

Clutching his stomach, Eren felt an eight-pack forming under his shirt. 

"Wow, okay, I'm calm, I'm good." He eventually settled, snorting in between Jean's whines. "The perks of being asexual, bro. We aces don't try and drown ourselves in sinks for pretty sea creatures." 

-

"Want to come to Hell?" 

Eren, who had been dicking around on his phone, nearly gave himself whiplash. 

"Wait,  _what_?" 

The demon shrugged as if inviting someone to Hell on a Sunday—the beautiful irony—was completely normal. 

"Do you want to come to Hell? With me? Now?" Levi stood; fixing his annoyingly fancy bib-thing Eren didn't know the name of. "Or not, that's cool too." 

"No, wait, I totally want to go to Hell." Eren took a moment to wonder where he had gone wrong in life to say that sentence. "Is it safe?" 

"Not really." 

"Um." 

"I'll protect you, idiot." He got a light smack on the head for his doubt. Eren grinned as Levi shyly turned towards the basement. 

"Thanks, Levi." Eren smiled all the way down to the summoning circle, until he looked at the dried lamb’s blood and unnecessary spinal fluid on the concrete. Right, he had never cleaned that up. His dad was going to remove  _his_ spinal fluid. 

"Shadow travel again." Levi was actually warning him beforehand (he never did, sometimes popping up in the shower with him or with he took a dump), so Eren felt considerably flustered as he stepped inside the circle. 

"O-Okay." 

Levi grabbed his arm and held him close, muttering in dark tongues that made the hair on Eren's entire body tingle and rise. He closed his eyes, remembering his first time shadow traveling and how close he'd been to puking his guts out on his mother's just-mopped floor.

He expected unbearable heat, but instead, a breeze of icy wind smacked him in the face. Eren snapped his eyes open and gaped. 

Hell was completely different than he imagined. Instead of plumes of fire and screams, it was a wasteland of ice and glaciers flowing down black water littered with useless junk. 

"River Styx," Levi told him when Eren opened his mouth to ask. "You humans got something right. That Dante gentleman, the Italian, he was the closest. We're in, what you humans would call, the eighth circle. Closest I can take you before you die." 

" _Before_ I die?" His voice was a pathetic squeak he refused to feel embarrassed over. After all, he was standing in Hell, in the eighth circle at that. 

"Poor word choice," Levi amended and pulled Eren with him to a castle he hadn't noticed before. "This is the deepest you can come. You'd die if you got any closer to Lucy." 

"Lucy?" Eren's teeth chattered, but laughter broke out anyway. "You call the L-Lucifer 'Lucy'? How are you s-still alive?" 

"I command nine-hundred legions." Levi said, easily picking up Eren, walking over a deep gap that probably led straight to Lucy. Then Levi set him down as if he had never touched Eren in the first place. "He can suck my dick." 

Charming and almost as suicidal as he was—Eren really liked this demon. 

Barely catching a glimpse of a cliff and huge winged-creature—and holy shit did it have three heads?—Eren was ushered into the castle. 

"W-What was that?" 

"Geryon; don't worry about him. He's pretty nice when he's not stuffing his three mouths and breaking my china." 

"Right. Breaking your china." Eren let go of a slightly hysterical laugh, not paying attention as Levi led him down a corridor. 

"Yeah, he can be an asshole, but he means well. Anyway," Levi grabbed his hand. "I want to show you something." 

"Okay, that’s cool.” Eren said, trying to look at a grotesque painting as they walked, but then Levi tugged him in a different direction. "Also, does it always smell like sulfur and dirt?" 

Levi sighed, squeezing his hand.

"Yes, fuck, it's so gross. You'd think after three millennia, I'd get over it, but nope. It's one of the reasons I still take summons." 

"You can refuse?" 

The demon shrugged, pulling him into a far room. 

"Most of them. Yours was hilariously pathetic, but you had chocolate chip cookies, so I let it slide. Seriously though, you don't need newt's spinal fluid. It gets on my shoes." He shuddered. "Takes for-fucking-ever to get it off." 

"Sorry." Eren slumped. "Jean was a dick and said I'd need it."

At the mention of his grudgingly liked friend, Levi snorted. 

"Those bruises on his head wont disappear for another week," he informed him and Eren cackled feeling strangely empowered because he was laughing rather evilly while in Hell. He pushed aside the overwhelming urge to take a selfie. For now. 

"That was amazing. I'll never forget it." 

"Good." Levi smiled, but turned away to open a door, so Eren took a quick second to fan his own face. Levi's laugh was so attractive. 

Oh wouldn't Jean love to know Eren had a semi-crush on a demon that commanded nine-hundred legions and called the devil Lucy. Ha. 

It wasn't very funny. 

"So, what'cha gonna show me?" Eren rocked on his heels as Levi fiddled with the door. 

"You like dogs, right?" Levi turned, suddenly looking panicked. 

"Yeah, they're great." Eren shrugged, but then frowned. "When they don't piss on my stuff or bite me, I mean, then they're great."

Levi's shoulders relaxed and went back to unlocking the door until it finally clicked. 

"Okay," Levi took his hand again and Eren swallowed. "Ground rules. Don’t scream, he doesn't like that. Also, don't run. He will chase you. And he understands everything you say and will not hesitate to kill you if you insult him." 

"...Why would I insult someone who could potentially kill me?" 

"You insult me on a daily basis." Levi deadpanned. 

"Yeah, but you're you. You know I don't mean it, right?" Eren squeezed his hand this time, careful of the sharp points that weren't quite talons, but close enough to lethality that Eren paid attention. 

The demon nodded and opened the door. 

"Say hello, Eren." 

"Hello, Eren," he repeated, stuck to the floor, jaw hanging wide open. His neck hurt as his eyes traveled up the massive dog. 

The three-headed dog was licking a glacier, the door leading outside facing the cliff (Geryon waved). It was a breed Eren recognized, a Doberman, but a tad bigger by a hundred feet. 

At Eren's brilliant introduction, the dog turned his heads and blinked. 

"We call him Tiny." Levi provided, breaking the intense stare down. Eren shook next to him. 

Tiny glared at him. Levi shrugged.

"But his actual name is Titanius." 

"Hello, Titanius." 

The dog looked pleased that Eren used his full name and nodded his three heads (Eren's head spun trying to watch them all bob at the same time) before going back to licking his glacier. 

When Eren gained his pride back and actually sat at a table inside the castle, he tried for conversation. Was this a date?

"So... you brought me to Hell to see your dog?" 

When Levi shifted on his feet, Eren smiled into his hand.

It was totally a date.

-

The next time, Eren remembered to take a selfie and Titanius complied, pretending to growl menacingly behind him. It took several tries, trying to get the huge dog—dogs? It had three heads, but one name... whatever—into the frame. But satisfied with a particularly good one, Geryon waving again in the background, Titanius showing his impressive maw, and Levi looking bored, Eren sent it to Jean. It was perfect. And surprisingly, he had good service in the eighth circle of Hell.

"Oh, that's a good one. Want to see?" Eren had to step back several feet so Titanius could see, but Levi stood next to him, radiating heat. Eren's stomach flipped as he watched his lashes flutter over his skin. 

"I like it." Levi told him and looked to his dog to make sure he liked it too. Titanius wagged his cropped tail, only causing a small earthquake and a few tsunamis in the Philippines. 

-

Jean admitted defeat. 

Eren—like the mature adult he was—sent Jean a picture of him sticking out his tongue, Titanius also sticking out his three. Levi had refused to participate in the victory, though he looked incredibly smug. 

Eren also snapped a picture of the demon when he wasn't looking. 

-

"Does your mother know you've been summoning demons and going to Hell?" His father asked him one night while Eren scrubbed the blood and spinal fluid from the floor. 

"...Yes?" 

"Try again." 

"No." 

A deep sigh.

"You're grounded." 

-

"A month seems a bit harsh," Levi said while he sat on Eren's bed, chewing on a stolen cookie. "It was only twice."

"Two times too many, mom said." Eren smacked into the mattress. "I really need to move out. I'm  _twenty-six_ and _grounded._ " 

Levi snorted around his treat. 

"Yeah, you really do." 

"Not helping." Eren mumbled before sitting up. "If we get caught, it'll be another month." 

Slowly, Levi got up and sat next to Eren, glancing at the door.

"Your mom is in the living room and your dad is in his office." 

"Still." Why was he pushing Levi out? He didn't want him to leave. "I don't want to risk another month without you... or Titanius." He added when Levi shifted, gaze darting from his lips to his eyes. 

"Right." Levi stood, but turned, hesitating. "If you need me, just say my name." He looked like he wanted to keep going or maybe hug Eren, but then blinked and walked towards the end of the room. 

And with that rather anticlimactic event, he disappeared into a dark corner, leaving Eren struggling to breathe. 

-

A month passed and Eren had a job and a serious case of 'love sickness'. 

He hadn't seen Levi once. 

-

"Thank  _fuck_." Eren hissed when Levi suddenly appeared with him in the shower a week later. He pulled him into the spray and into a wet hug. 

Levi hugged back.

-

Back in Hell, Titanius gave him another bath and let out such a loud bark, a glacier split. Levi had barely managed to cover Eren's ears in time. 

Now, they sat around Levi's table, rearranged so Titanius could be included in the tea party. Eren wore three sweaters, prepared this time. 

"Is this a date?" He asked.

"What?"

"What?" 

“ _What_?” 

"No, what? You didn’t answer my question." Eren pressured, face warm. 

"Well you didn’t answer mine." Levi shot back, looking anywhere but Eren. 

"What was your question?" 

Obviously fumbling for something—what exactly, Eren had no clue—to say, Levi shrugged. 

"I asked you ‘what’." 

Eren felt torn between exasperation and affection. 

"Oh my  _god_." He said instead of ‘you’re adorable.’ 

All the demons around him flinched. Even Geryon on the cliff.

"Oh, right, sorry, no swearing down here." He apologized. Titanius let out an aggravated huff. "So, is this a date?" 

Levi let out a tight and short breath. 

"Do you want it to be?" He looked so awkward, Eren could have cried. 

" _Yes please_." 

-

When he sent Jean the selfie of him and Levi kissing (his thumb was in the way, nearly ruining it, but he didn't have the guts to kiss the demon again as his tongue could split in two), the boy nearly broke his phone. 

One shocked, but slightly impressed text later, Eren got his dragon egg. Fucking  _finally_. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> why did i do this i have like 69 other things i need to be doing help
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](http://foxicology.tumblr.com)


End file.
